A Guide to Solemn High Mass: Candles

Candles provided a source of artificial illumination before the invention of the electric light bulb. Since modern churches are equipped with electric lights, and since their services take place during daylight hours, there is no reason to produce light by burning cylindrical pieces of wax. The presence of candles is thus an early warning sign that ritualists may be present. If you find yourself in a church that contains lit candles, however properly appointed it may otherwise seem, you should consider yourself to be in grave personal danger: at any moment a ritualist priest may descend upon you, surrounded by incense and clutching a handful of rosaries. Do not attempt to extinguish the candle yourself: call the fire department.

While even one candle is cause for concern, the presence of six candles on the church’s altar is associated with the most extreme branches of ritualism. Mounted on tall candlesticks, these candles frame the priest’s head as he mutters Latin phrases, surrounding his form with an unholy orange glow. Despite the bright gleam produced by the candles at first, their eventual fate symbolizes the ultimate destruction of all ritualists: they flicker and gutter, spattering wax in all direction, before finally melting into a puddle of putrid ooze.

 

 

 

 

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